Healthy Relationships

Building Healthy Connections

Healthy relationships have been shown to increase our happiness, improve health and reduce stress. In college, there are countless opportunities for you to build deep relationships with the people around you. Whether they are students in your classes, your residence hall roommate or someone you meet in an organization, learning to interact with individuals around you can be a vital part of your college experience and skills you will take with you the rest of your life.

Relationships are much more than just romantic; they can be categorized in many different ways. Learning how to live with new roommates, practicing healthy communication, building trust and empathy, talking about consent and understanding gender based-violence will all be components that allow you to foster healthy and meaningful relationships with those around you during your TCU experience and beyond.

Gender-based violence includes intimate partner violence, stalking, harassment, and sexual assault. It’s important to talk about gender-based violence because victims and perpetrators can be people of any gender, race, ethnicity, or socio-economic status. Sometimes these types of violence are hard to spot, so having a better understanding of them can help create a safer campus community and ensure every student has a healthy and safe experience at TCU.

Texas Christian University DOES NOT tolerate any forms of violence. If you experience any of these forms of violence, know that it’s not your fault, and we’re here to help.

Gender-based violence is a serious issue that needs to be addressed. If you or someone you know has experienced gender-based violence, we urge you to seek help from resources not only at TCU but in the community. If you would like to report an instance of gender-based violence, please contact the TCU Office of Institutional Equity at 817-257-8228 or in-person at

The Harrison, Suite 1800

If you would like to speak with a confidential advocate, please contact our TCU CARE advocate at www.care.tcu.edu/report. For more information on TCU’s Title IX policy and definitions, visit www.care.tcu.edu/definitions

Intimate partner violence. Described as someone using power to gain or maintain control over another person. Intimate partner violence can take on many names – dating violence, domestic violence and partner violence – but it’s all the same thing: a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship. Many people initially think of physical abuse. But intimate partner violence often includes emotional, psychological, sexual or financial abuse.

Someone who is trying to gain or maintain power and control over their partner might minimize the abuse and that person’s response to it. They might say things like “you’re being too sensitive,” or “it’s not that big of a deal.” Some examples of intimate partner violence include:

Threats or intimidation
- Threatening to hurt their partner, their family or their pets
- Blaming partner for the abuse
Possessiveness
- Insisting on knowing the other person’s whereabouts at all times.
- Looking through partner’s texts, emails, social media accounts
- Censoring partner’s clothing choices
- Refusing to use or not letting the other person use birth control methods

Harassment
- Constantly texting/calling their partner
- Following partner to make sure they go to the places they said they were going
- Sending nude photos
Humiliation
- Ridiculing religious faith, or using religion as a means of control.
- Name calling, taunts, constant criticism or put-downs.
- Belittling or demeaning comments
- Sharing a partner’s nude photos
Limiting independence
- Controlling finances, like taking wages or putting someone on an allowance.
- Making all the important decisions.
Isolation
- Isolating the victim from family and friends, and possibly putting them down.

Stalking. Engaging in a course of conduct directed at a specific person which would cause a reasonable person to

fear for his or her safety or the safety of others or
suffer significant mental suffering or anguish.

People are most likely to be stalked by someone they know, such as a friend, current or former partner, acquaintance, or someone they met online. Some examples of stalking include:

Repeated/unwanted emails, texts, phone calls, direct messages
Showing up where someone is because they know that person’s schedule
Monitoring emails, texts, phone calls, social media accounts
Sending unwanted gifts to someone
Contacting or posting about someone on social media
Using friends and/or family to get information about someone

Harassment can be defined by behavior that is aggressive pressure or intimidation. Harassment can encompass a wide variety of situations and aggressors; here are two that relate specifically to Gender-based violence:

Gender-Based Harassment: Unwelcome conduct based on gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression, which may include acts of aggression, intimidation, or hostility, whether verbal or non-verbal, graphic, physical or otherwise, even if the acts do not involve contact of a sexual nature.
- Making gender-related comments about a person’s appearance or mannerisms
- Bullying someone using gender-related comments or conduct
- Treating a person badly because they don’t fit stereotypic gender roles
Sexual Harassment: Unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and/or other verbal or physical conduct that is based on sex or is sexual in nature.
- Unwelcome remarks about a person’s clothing or body
- Explicit sexual questions, innuendoes, gestures, jokes, stories, and anecdotes
- Someone inquiring about your sexual activities
- pressure to accept social invitations, to meet privately, to date, or to have sexual relations
- Submitting unfair or inaccurate job or academic evaluations or grades, or denying training, promotion, or access to any other employment or academic opportunity, because sexual advances have been rejected

Sexual assault. Known as any sexual activity lacking consent, including instances where a person is incapable of giving consent. Sexual assault includes a wide range of behaviors such as:

Any non-consensual sexual contact
Groping, touching
Making sexual comments (incl. catcalling, sexting, comments on social media)
Attempted or completed rape

As Horned Frogs, we play an active role in helping reduce violence on our campus. We strive to support our friends when they reach out to us for help.

Do’s

Listen: The first thing you can do to help is to listen and be supportive.

Believe: The fear of not being believed is a real concern for people who have experienced an assault or interpersonal violence

Support: Support the survivor/victim and encourage them, but do not force them, to get support.

Be Respectful: Be respectful of the survivor/victim and their privacy and confidentiality.

Don’t

Blame the Survivor: Don’t blame a survivor for what happened or make them feel guilty for what happened.

Be Judgmental: Understand people react differently to situations and they need your support even more following a traumatic incident.

Make Decisions for Them: It is important to empower a survivor to make their own decisions about what to do following an incident, including decisions surrounding reporting and seeking help.

Texas Christian University DOES NOT tolerate any forms of violence. If you experience any of these forms of violence, know that it’s not your fault, and we’re here to help.

The Harrison, Suite 1800

Dean of Students
The Harrison, Suite 1600
817-257-7926
deanofstudents@tcu.edu

Counseling & Mental Health Center
Jarvis Hall, Suite 232
817-257-7863
24/7 Counseling Line 817-257-SAFE (257-7233)

Health Center
2825 Stadium Drive
Fort Worth TX 76109
817-257-7940
817-257-7940 (After hours advice)
Contact

TCU Campus Police
3025 Lubbock
Fort Worth, Texas 76129
Emergency: 817.257.7777
Non-Emergency: 817.257.8400
Administration: 817.257.7933
Criminal Investigation: 817.257.4404
Crime Prevention: 817.257.7276
Traffic & Parking: 817.257.6889
Transportation Services: 817.257.7930
Tip Line/Report a Crime

Communication Skills: Learning to be assertive

Assertive is defined in the dictionary as “confidently aggressive or self-assured”. Assertiveness is a core communication skill that allows you to confidently express yourself, while also respecting the opinions or views of others. When learning to be assertive, we must first look at 3 different communication styles and choose which one best matches ours. Then, we can determine what changes we must make to improve our communication skills.

Passive behavior involves forfeiting one’s own needs, beliefs, rights, and feelings and allowing others’ needs, beliefs, rights and feelings to come first. Passive people tend to exhibit the following behaviors:

Consistently give in to the needs and wants of others at the expense of their own. Even though they may think their needs are important, they tend to act on the needs of others first and their own needs and desires come last.
Often feel afraid to give their opinion because they are scared of being embarrassed or made fun of.
Usually feel they have little to contribute to a given situation and rely on others to make decisions.
“Stuff” their feelings, and do not express them very often or they express them in indirect or inappropriate ways that have little or no impact on situations.
Avoid conflict and spend a great deal of time trying to please other people.

This type of behavior involves openly expressing one’s needs, beliefs, rights, and feelings, with little or no respect for other peoples’ opinions, rights and feelings. Aggressive people tend to exhibit the following behaviors:

Forcefully express opinions without considering the rights and feelings of others who may have different beliefs.
Consistently put their own needs first and disrespect or disregard the needs of others.
Have hostile, demanding, or in some way, inappropriate expression of emotion.
Impose their own beliefs and values onto others, believing that those who disagree are wrong (this is based on the unwritten rule that it is not OK for others to disagree with them).
Often find that they are in conflict with others.

People who exhibit assertiveness understand that they have a right to their needs, beliefs, rights, and feelings, and also acknowledge that other people’s needs, beliefs, rights, and feelings are important and deserve respect. Assertive people tend to exhibit the following behaviors:

Express their needs in an appropriate and respectful manner, and balance the fulfillment of own needs with those of others.
Value their own opinion, knowing that they have something to contribute. Offer their opinion with the understanding that it may or may not be accepted, and that others may have different ideas which must also be valued.
Know that they are entitled to basic rights as human beings, and are confident in exercising them without violating the rights of others.
Honestly and directly articulate emotions in a timely, respectful and appropriate manner.

Being assertive helps improve self-confidence and can result in mutual respect from others. It helps us learn to “say what we mean and mean what we say, but we don’t have to be mean when we say it.” Assertive communication is an important building block in healthy relationships. Assertiveness can also reduce stress levels because it decreases the internal struggles associated with passivity and the external struggles associated with aggressiveness.

Value Yourself and Your Rights: Gain a good understanding of yourself, as well as a strong belief in your inherent value and your value to your organization and team.

Voice Your Needs and Wants Confidently: Don’t wait for someone else to recognize what you need! Take initiative and start to identify your needs and wants, and make sure they are met.

Acknowledge That You Can’t Control Other People’s Behavior: Don’t accept responsibility for how people react to your assertiveness. You are only in control of yourself and your own behavior, so try to always remain respectful.

Express Yourself in a Positive Way: It is important to say what’s on your mind, even if it is negative or difficult to deal with, just make sure you express it constructively and sensitively.

Be Open to Criticism and Compliments: Accept both positive and negative feedback graciously and humbly. If you don’t agree with the criticism you are given then be prepared to say so without getting angry.

Learn to Say “No”: Protect your time and workload by saying “no” when necessary. You should know your own work limits, and remember that you cannot do everything or please everyone.

Use Assertive Communication Techniques: Use “I” statements, try to recognize and understand how the other person views the situation before expressing what you need, ask for more time to compose your thoughts, use verbs that are definite and emphatic, and be a broken record to ensure that your message gets across.

Becoming assertive won’t happen overnight. It will take repeated practice of these techniques to slowly build the confidence and self-belief that is necessary to be assertive. Once you do, however, you will likely find that you and your team/partner/group will be more efficient, and productive, and more respect will be fostered within your relationships.

Dean of Students
The Harrison, Suite 1600
817-257-7926
deanofstudents@tcu.edu

Counseling & Mental Health Center
Jarvis Hall, Suite 232
817-257-7863
24/7 Counseling Line 817-257-SAFE (257-7233)

You live in close quarters with many other college students, whether it be in an on-campus dorm or off-campus apartment. As

you might have already experienced or seen in your hall, small, interpersonal issues are going to happen. How do you

effectively work through these issues while maintaining respect for others? Some common issues surround the following topics:

Physical
- Things (e.g. borrowing clothes without asking, leaving dirty dishes)
Physical Body
- (e.g. personal space, alone time, hugs)
Emotional
- (e.g. talking about sex, friend vents all the time, talking behind each other’s backs)

Although there may be similar ideas as to how to solve these issues, every person has different boundaries and you must be respectful of these.

We often forget that we could be a part of the problem we are experiencing with a roommate. It is important to self-reflect on your own behaviors and values to see if you might need to make a sacrifice in order to create a positive living space. Ask yourself some of these questions:

• What is the most important value in a friend? In a roommate? In a resident assistant?

• What values are the same for friends, roommates, and RAs? What are the differences?

• What other roles do you play besides a roommate?

You play multiple roles in the same setting, so it is natural to feel stress trying to fulfill all those roles. If this causes conflict, try to communicate the role you are acting in.

For example,

“I love living with my friend, but as your roommate, it really bothers me when there are clothes all over the floor. I would appreciate it if you can keep your clothes on your side of the room.”

It is important to have open communication about your boundaries and your values. There are many styles of communication. Here is the link to a quick quiz to identify your communication style:

If you answered…

Mostly A – you are a passive communicator. Easy to get along with, but the anger and frustration simmer under the surface, creating stress. Passive communicators may avoid close relationships to protect themselves and their rights because they can’t say no.
Mostly B – you are an aggressive communicator. You get what you want, but often alienate others. Aggressive people can be suspicious of others’ motives, which creates stress.
Mostly C – you are assertive. You stand up for your rights but are sensitive about others. Assertive communicators are honest and have relaxed, open interpersonal relationships.

How to communicate assertively:

Use clear and neutral statements to communicate issues.
Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and your boundaries and say “no”.
Make no statements clear, short, and unambiguous.

Be aware of your communication tendencies. It’s a choice. Also be sure to note other forms of non-verbal communication, like tone and body language.

SELF-CONTROL– Imagine your friend says, “I love how you just wear whatever you want.” How do you feel? If you are having a bad body image day, you might perceive this as an insult. On the other hand, if you are feeling positive about yourself, you perceive this as a compliment. Your perceptions can also influence your actions and behaviors, and how you are feeling affects how you perceive things.

Negative thinking -> Negative perception -> Negative choices

You can only control yourself and your own perceptions and actions. Try positive framing, actively viewing your life in a positive light. This leads to how we receive feed back and criticism from others! Imagine your roommate says: “Hey, your clothes are all over the floor!” How do you immediately want to react? What if they say “I would appreciate it if you could clean up your clothes”?

It is natural to respond initially with anger, hurt, or frustration. Even in the second example, you might be hearing

“You’re a slob” and want to defend yourself. Will continuing this conversation be helpful or hurtful?

Try to understand the other person might be speaking in anger and don’t take those criticisms to heart. It is important to remember everybody has different boundaries. You need to respect those boundaries, but it is also your responsibility to communicate your boundaries to others.

You play multiple roles in your living space: roommate, friend, and student. Remember that you have different values for the different roles. Choose to communicate in an open, neutral, and assertive way. Don’t be afraid to say no. You can only control yourself. Try to keep a positive framing and make positive choices. Take time to reflect before you respond to feedback.

College is a place where many students choose to explore their sexuality. Students can do this safely by following these tips.

Protect your sexual health by getting tested for STDs annually or even more frequently. Most schools offer these tests for free or at a low cost, so all students, even those with small incomes, can afford the tests.

Unless you are in a long-term, monogamous relationship with a partner who has been confirmed STD-free, always make sure to use protection to prevent the risk of contracting a disease.

Whether you’re male or female, getting your equipment checked out regularly is a must. Women can get breast exams and pap smears that can greatly reduce their risk of cancer.

Many schools now offer the HPV vaccination. Female students can take advantage of these to reduce their chance of contracting the HPV virus, the leading cause of almost all cervical cancers.

Most colleges offer classes that discuss sexual issues, so you can educate yourself and learn to stay healthy and happy.

Many students in college have questions about their sexuality and some even feel confused. It helps to find someone you can trust to talk to in order to help you find some direction and figure out who you really are.

While you may feel pressure from a partner or even those around you to engage in certain sexual activities, never do anything you aren’t completely comfortable with. It’s your body and you are in charge, don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.

Dean of Students
The Harrison, Suite 1600
817-257-7926
deanofstudents@tcu.edu

Counseling & Mental Health Center
Jarvis Hall, Suite 232
817-257-7863
24/7 Counseling Line 817-257-SAFE (257-7233)

Health Center
2825 Stadium Drive
Fort Worth TX 76109
817-257-7940
817-257-7940 (After hours advice)
Contact

Office of Institutional Equity, Title IX
The Harrison, 1800
817-257-8228
OIE@tcu.edu

Healthy Relationships

Building Healthy Connections

How Do I Ask?+

What Are the Signs They’re Not Interested?+

What Are Nonverbal Cues For Consent?+

Resources+

Intimate Partner Violence+

Stalking+

Harrassment+

Sexual Assault+

How to Support A Survivor+

Resources+

Passive Behaviors+

Aggresive Behavior+

Assertive Behavior+

How to Become More Assertive+

Resources+

How To Be A Good Roommate+

Communication Styles+

Things to Note+

Get Tested+

Always Use Protection+

Get Regular Exams+

Take Advantage of Vaccinations+

Attend Informational Classes+

Find Someone To Talk To+

Don’t Do Anything You’re Not Comfortable With+

Resources+